Monday, February 25, 2008

I Wish I Could Fly Away

Dear God,

Make me a bird so I can fly far, far, far away from here.

In other news...

No, I am not going to talk about this weekend's events because I don't know if I am able to give the full account it would require. I did go and see that Jumper movie on Friday night, and it was interesting. It has caused me to think about how much I want to be a writer. I truly love the concept of writing and telling stories that involve elaborately fictional ideas and characters. I hope to post some serialized stories here soon.

In other news...

My wife and I had a wonderful time on Saturday day. We went to a bridal show as an exhibitor in order to promote Rachel's photography business that we are desperately trying to get off the ground. It seems we got some possible clients, and if nothing else, the name of Rachel Robinson will be spoken in Jacksonville, TX for at least a while. Everyone who came by the table seemed legitimately impressed with what we had to show them. Donna Cummings, who seems to be the head honcho as far as East Texas photography goes, made quite an effort to befriend Rachel. She gave some good advice and even offered to hire Rachel on contract for some of her own clients. It could be cool. It could also be laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaame, but probably not.

In other news...

Democracy is still dead. It was pronounced dead when GWB was elected the second time. It is not in a coma. It is deceased. There will be no memorial, nor will there be a coffin or grave-site. It is dead, but the saddest part is that no one will even know that is dead for quite some time. I hope you will not be one of the blind fools who still believes that it is alive and well. Wake up, friends. Democracy is dead, hey, democracy is dead.


Thursday, February 21, 2008

Democracy is dead! HEY Democracy is dead! HEY HEY

Come on, chant with me! Democracy is dead! Democracy is dead! Democracy is dead, we kicked it in the head, we punched it in the heart, we pumped it full of lead, Democracy is dead! Hey, Democracy is dead!

Today's rabble is Democracy is dead!

I imagine that you're all probably scrolling down the page to find the part where I go into some elaborate, political reasoning to explain myself and my opinions, but you may as well keep your mouse steady, folks, because I'm not gonna do it. I'm simply going to make the statement that democracy is no longer with us, and I dare you to challenge me!

Deal with it.

Monday, February 18, 2008

Elimino Pete and the Queue

Elimino Pete and the Queue

Ten years ago if you mentioned the names David Lankford and Nick Robinson anywhere in America, you'd have a young adult riot on your hands faster than EPQ's tight, irreplecable riffs. Elimino Pete and the Queue has been self producing their music for almost twenty years now, but it was just a short decade ago when something happened that changed the face of American music forever. Back in 2007, Nick and David lived in Tyler, Texas, a small burb eighty miles east of Dallas. They attended a church called the Vineyard: home of the late Eisley, South Africa's own Ivoryline, and Luvbeat, the crown jewel of Mo Murda Records, a subsidiary of Spaceway. The church's stage was so exclusive that it seemed a record contract was a pre-requisite even for running sound. Though David, the guitar-toting lyrical genius behind so many of EPQ's mega hits, was able to get in on a few very special occassions, it seemed the duo was unable to find their way on to the Vineyard stage. The two actually wrote a series of songs based on their low profile during the late 00's, Who Do You Think I'm Knot? --released as a single off of their third album, Rock U Like a Rocker; I'm Not Who You Think I'm Not --the opening track off of Esteamed Brocolli, the encore follow-up album to Be Rock Holy; and the unforgettable slow jam that was stuck in the ear hole of every 17-28 year old girl this summer, Why Don't You Want to Love Me? off of their latest expectoration I Left My Feelings in My Other Pants.
It wasn't until Nick and David landed a regular gig as H.I.S. Church in Grand Saline, now pastored by the recently paroled Rev. Joel Osteen, that they found an outlet for their fledgling musical spirits. It was here that EPQ found a legitimate fan base that seems to still follow them to this day. Though Nick and David claim different cities as their hometowns, Grand Saline, TX claims them as their own. East Texas is always home to the last stop on each of EPQ's sold out tours across America.
Elimino Pete and the Queue is still pumping out hits with every album they release. After Why Don't You Want to Love Me? had it's three month run at number one from May to July of this year, they released their second single, Remember the Memories, which is still in the top ten. It seems that nothing can bring these guys down. Even after Nick's eldest son, Cash, almost drowned in the family's controversial money pool earlier this fall, and David constantly beating back allegations that his third marriage and divorce a month later were just to give him the pain he needs to write good music, EPQ's front men can't seem to come down from that first great high they experienced with their first ever single, Musical High Note. Though their fan base seems to be moving from young adult emo-ticans to middle age hipsters, if you keep on listening, EPQ will always tug at the heart strings of every man, woman, and child who hears the musical stylings of who could one day be known as the greatest musical duo since Paul and Art, Shane and Shane, or even Johnny and June.

Sunday, February 17, 2008

The Rise of Amie Diane

As the photoshoot went in to its third hour, you could tell she was getting frustrated. Over and over I heard things like, "My body is not to be seen! It's in my contract and you better be listening to me instead of just nodding along while thinking to yourself 'Prima donna, I'll do what I'm gonna do.'" This isn't the first time Ms. Amie Diane felt pressure to get the job done the way it was suppossed to. You see, for all her pomp and flair and commanding tone she is not the one really running the show. Moving the strings above the growing popularity of the beautiful Amie was her devoted publicist, loving friend, and dictatorial manager --Raquel. Raquel discovered Amie many years ago when she was a poor, desperate girl willing to do anything to make it in this business. Once Raquel got ahold of that striking face and commanding presence, Amie Diane blew up into the industry's juggernaut that she is today. Raquel gave her a home, a career, and most of all a presence in her life that, while controlling and overbearing (it's rumored that Raquel has to literally hold Amie down in order to get her nails done right), actually looks out for what is best for Amie. Before Raquel, Amie had a slew of managers, agents, "friends," lovers with the "best intentions," and people without titles that thought they knew what was best for the young star, but every time, without fail, Amie was left with less money, no confidence, and a weaker spirit. They used her in order to elevate themselves leaving behind the scraps for Amie to try and make a living off of. Raquel found her right after being let down again by her sometimes boyfriend Djorgey "Boy" Edward who had promised her he could get her a spot on the Ellen DeGeneres show, but later telling her he lost the phone number he had of Ellen's and now can't get ahold of anyone in her office. It was in this broken, dejected spirit that Raquel saw promise and power. Amie Diane, within a year of meeting Raquel, became the fastest rising star ever to grace the page, and it seems there is no end to her greatness. Just last week, Ms. Diane was seen canoodling with a local hispanic stock mogul, Da Bump, so named for his uncanny ability to predit bumps in the stock market, and they are rumored to be putting together a new charity that will focus its efforts on reversing the spay and neuter your pets campaign of the early and mid-nineties. A source close to the pair says "They believe that everyone should have the right to bring a life into the world." On a recent Oprah visit, Amie was asked how she felt about the fact that Raquel forced her to go through the operation when she first started managing her, "I have never once questioned Raquel's good intentions for me, and I won't start now." Amie Diane, firmly established in her current field, is beginning to branch out. Aside from her project with Da Bump, Amie is currently in talks with Touchstone pictures about a project loosely based on her life, a la Eminem's "8 Mile." She has also been spotted talking with fashion mogul Heidi Klum, and she is rumored to be appearing as a guest judge on the next season of Project Runway.

After the photoshoot came to an end, I went over to introduce myself to Ms. Diane and tell her about the article I was writing. As I approached her, I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned to see the stern, unforgiving face of Raquel shaking her head as if to say, "You don't think you get to talk to her, do you?" I agreed. I wasn't worthy.

Saturday, February 16, 2008

The Story of Sweet, Little Alfonzo

One day, back in the day, there was a sweet, little monkey named Alfonzo. Alfonzo was orphaned after his family was attacked by another clan of monkeys who mistakenly thought Alfonzo's clan had stolen their banana stash. Alfonzo survived by by curling up in a hairy, little ball in a hollowed out tree as he waited out the great battle that raged around him. Alfonzo finally came out of his tree-hole to find everyone he knew strewn about the forest in a bloody mess of squished-bananas, and assorted monkey parts. After he dried his tears and ate some depressing banana mess, he decided to set out to find his new home. Alfonzo wandered the forest and jungles of the world searching for monkeys who would accept him for who he was and what he loved. After Alfonzo's parents were killed, he began to comfort himself in the only way he knew how: holding his wee-wee in his mouth. Everytime Alfonzo found a new family, he was immediately expunged from their presence after they discovered his socially unacceptable habit. Soon Alfonzo realized that there were no monkeys left in the world who would accept him for who he was. It was this realization that helped him realize that his place was with a new sort of monkey: the less hairy, slightly smarter, clothes wearing human monkeys that he had only heard about in stories. So Alfonzo finally found a home in a beautiful place called the zoo. It was here that his newly acquired vice was not only accepted, but praised. And it is there that Alfonzo lives to this day, hanging on a fence, wee-wee in his mouth, thinking of the past and the crazy path that led him to where he is now.